Placebo.

It's been five months.

Life-changing.  Finally letting go, finally falling for someone again; you think you finally find the key that unlocks the door, only for it to break before it turns full circle.  It's maddening to know that it takes a couple of wrong keys on the chain to finally find the one that opens the door to you - your heart included - that sometimes, you don't want to take any more chances.

I thought there was a connection.  Ultimately, I buried myself in work. 

That's what happens.  I thought it was pointless, that we are constantly feeling, constantly hurting, constantly being happy- that emotions never just stop.  You work and you work hard because then you dont feel, you don't think - and it becomes a placebo - a drug you think cures you.  It blinds you, yes, but for what?  is it easier for you to swallow to know that just delaying it buys you time...

I've missed him.  I've missed him a lot.

Merry Christmas, darling.