3 posts tagged “bronson”
I feel like i'm going to throw up. That, or this is the feeling of deep regret. The lack of inner strength, and mostly, the lack of love.
Desire is something that is hard to contain. Once you desire - may it be a person, an object or an ideal, it's hard to walk away from, especially if desire is fuled on both ends. Temptation leads to desire... and... leaves you hurt, confused and yet, wanting even more.
"... say that you love me" he told me as a million thoughts rushed into my mind. A lot of the thoughts saying "no, you love jon, you love him so much that this should NOT be happening" yet its as if my mind and my heart has been waiting for this moment, as if we both knew that this was the inevitable and that it was just bound to happen. Yet, as he said that statement to me, my heart screamed it, but my mouth dare not say it, for saying it makes it real...
... in my heart, I said it as loud as I could possibly say "I love you".
The world is in retrograde.
Perhaps it was the catch and release of a foreign anti-body trying to fit in a world that it could never adapt to.
Smoking. Drinking. Moving out and hasty decisions, it's as if people forgot and became something different. Perhaps we're all the same, just amplified. We've only just started daylight savings time, but does that necessarily mean that things weren't meant to be, that its just bad timing?
With everything thats gone on in the last couple of days, it was actually.... perfect.
He (as in, the boy, not the foreign anti-body) came right when I needed him the most. Even if hes gone (momentarily? forever?) I needed it. My cure. My Big to my Carrie, my key to my lock...
He could navigate through my complicated design. I hate him, I fear for him, I worry, I... with him, im in a state of somewhere between waking and sleeping.
Perhaps this time, it's love.
Scene: Sunday Night, Home.
I am a complete mess. 'Did you fall down somewhere?' my aunt asks about my disheveled and very dirty appearance. 'Yeah, something like that' I reply, one part of my heart falling, one part in complete limbo. Confusion.
I am a strong-willed woman. I know what I want.
I've been saying that to myself like a mantra, but you know its a bad sign when it's followed with something in the lines of '... but I will NOT get attached'. That yes, I've learned a lot from my horrible and often regrettable destructive relationship with Ryan, but with this new guy... I'm thrown all over the place. I want to stand my ground, I want to have some form of say in... dare I say in the 'relationship' - even if it doesn't seem like it is one, but it's something, nonetheless...
It's not my insecurities, for once, that will be the end of whatever this.. TRYST is, because it's proven to be quite the opposite. With Ryan, I was so insecure about EVERYTHING - my looks, body, emotions and my performance, with Bronson... I feel good - about my looks, my body - I've never felt so sexy, so desired... EVER. He treats my body like a temple, he touches me in ways that make me feel things that Ryan has never even remotely made me feel. In ways, its a) I've been faking everything that I thought was real when I was with Ryan intimately and b) everything that I thought was so wrong... feels so RIGHT when I'm with Bronson. With him, I am not afraid, I am willing... and although, ALTHOUGH it's as if he knows, monitors and studies my every move, he uses it to his advantage. It sends shivers down my spine, yes, when he knows I want to please him, but it's exciting to know that even if he plays it out as something that doesn't interest him, he gets hot knowing that I get hot about something so trivial.
The thing is, though. Thats the thing. With the things that have been happening...
I still don't know what is going on. Between us. With us.
... yet it still leaves me wanting more.
