3 posts tagged “jon”

I feel like i'm going to throw up.  That, or this is the feeling of deep regret.  The lack of inner strength, and mostly, the lack of love.

Desire is something that is hard to contain.  Once you desire - may it be a person, an object or an ideal, it's hard to walk away from, especially if desire is fuled on both ends.  Temptation leads to desire... and... leaves you hurt, confused and yet, wanting even more.

"... say that you love me" he told me as a million thoughts rushed into my mind.  A lot of the thoughts saying "no, you love jon, you love him so much that this should NOT be happening" yet its as if my mind and my heart has been waiting for this moment, as if we both knew that this was the inevitable and that it was just bound to happen.  Yet, as he said that statement to me, my heart screamed it, but my mouth dare not say it, for saying it makes it real...

... in my heart, I said it as loud as I could possibly say "I love you".

I got a free month pass to 24 Hr. Fitness a couple of days ago.

Possibly life-changing.  Making numerous promises to close friends (Keku?  Tish?  ring a bell?  GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE LEMON FROSTING!) about the 'healthy' way to live yet polluting that very temple 'cause my body is my temple' with booze, cigarettes (non? smoking or second-hand smoke via Jon, but I don't care), and gluttony - Hershey's S'mores, anyone?  Time management is a bust - Work, or Jon.  Not much else going on, not unless you count the Vodka-in-the-Fanta nights with Sheens or that one beer tower night at Jackies Kitchen at Ala Moana.  I'm a creature in a world called habit, and i'm just living it.

Perhaps.  Perhaps the pass was a calling.  Martyr, maybe.  I'm a Martyr for those who want to be healthy but fall into self-fufilling prophecy of 'I'll never lose weight".  Hypocrite.  I've done it (rather unhealthilly) before.  Bull... shit.  It's all in the mind, most just can't even jump over the hurdle of what is called 'laziness'.  It's determination.  It's that one millionth time you've heard from your mother about how 'fat' you've become.  I wonder how much times it takes for a person to hear 'fat' being associated with them before they finally crack?

Rage being another.  Perhaps it's been rubbed off on me, but the tolerance levels for bullshit have been shot.  Perhaps, I finally met someone I just don't fucking like, for once.  Usually, I play 'little nice girl' and don't give them any satisfaction, but truth be told, I just think shes a downright bitch.  Rage, I tell you.

Gotta resolve.  I need a resolution.

chances.  first one, then two, three... and the cycle, goes on and on.  one more chance, one more fuck-up and i'm cutting the cord, closing the door, blocking-from-my-cell-phone you forever.

many things going on in my life as of late, it's all very maddening, tiring and beautiful at the same time.  i'm learning as i have to, dealing accordingly. 

it was today, though.

i finally fell in love.